Recently on a website that I frequent people were posting before and after photos of their weight loss. My reaction to this was interesting because a year or two ago I would have not hesitated adding some photos, but now, or at least in that particular moment, not so much. I tried to analyze why this has changed. Why would I have been proud before and feeling sheepish recently? I guess it comes down to I struggle a bit of feeling stuck part way. Being up some weight from my lowest adds to the discomfort.
Triathlon has been bit of a double edge sword for me in regards to how I feel about my body. On one hand it's helped me maintain most of my weight loss over the past few years, and allowed me to accomplish things I never even thought possible. On the other hand I know I'm still very heavy for a triathlete. I sometimes feel worse about my weight more so then I would have if I wasn't involved in sports. Ignoring the obvious "I don't look like these other people" (because I know that doesn't matter) I'm constantly reminded every other time I go out for a run that it makes me slow. I'm reminded every time I bike up a hill that this is harder then it needs to be. And lets not even talk about the evils of bathing suits and loose skin.
One of my online friends once told me that women that do Ironman usually average about an hour slower on hilly courses. Now add 50 pounds to that! Also, an online calculator tells me that at goal weight my bike would be an hour faster. Who knows if that is true, but you can see how it adds to the constant feeling of "You're not where you need to be".
So, recently I am struggling a bit to find a happy place for where I am at as I work on where I want to be. What helped is looking at a folder of old pictures. I don't have a ton of them because I was very stealth in avoiding photos at my heaviest weights. (If you happen to have some send them to me!) They served as a more concrete reminder to be grateful for the now. It's been quite awhile since I've looked into a face that round, and I hardly recognize that version of me.
It was a reality check of sorts. It quieted the annoying voice of dissatisfaction... at least for awhile.
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